Do you ever have one of those times in life when you feel so busy/stressed/overextended that it’s hard to breathe? For me, that feeling makes all the other feelings stronger than usual – sadness is sadder, happiness is happier.
Well, I have that going on right now. My house has been under renovation for several weeks, which leaves us completely unsettled. My husband has been working or traveling every evening for several weeks, which is hard for the kids and lonely for me. The holidays are taunting me because I have no plan for Christmas shopping or party attending. And I really, really haven’t made time for anything that would help me cope, like exercise.
I sort of feel better just typing all of that out, but that’s not the point.
Last night, after I got off work, I picked up the kids at childcare and came home to make dinner. Both kids were melting down at dinner – neither ate anything, but they both practiced launching their sippy cups, forks and dinner across the dining room. I promptly ushered them upstairs where we got into PJs (no bath, as our bathroom is under construction and all baths now occur in the kitchen sink, which is full of dinner dishes).
When I put the kids in bed, Oliver asked me to lay down with him. You guys, I always want to lay down with my kids. I love their little snores and seeing the innocence in their smooth skin. However, I don’t generally take the time to do it because I know they won’t fall asleep while I’m there, and I always have a list of things to do before I can rest. Last night, though, I laid down with him and snuggled for a while. I felt so sad that I didn’t do it more, so guilty that I had so many other things to do, and so angry that this night time ritual is almost always on me alone.
As we laid there, I started crying. It’s like my eyes were just quietly seeping a few tears out. I am not a crier, especially not in front of other people, but there I was, laying in my toddler’s bed, frustrated with all kinds of things I have no control over, suddenly sobbing.
Little Oliver put his tiny hand on my cheek and left it there for a very long time. He asked me if I was okay, then kissed me and asked if I was all better.
Right there, in that moment of stress and sadness, my heart swelled with pride. One of my greatest hopes for my kids is that they will be empathetic, and this showed me that we might be on the right path.
I hate writing this about myself. You guys always ask me how I share these kinds of things, and I must admit that it doesn’t always come easily. But this is about being real. We all have times where we aren’t our best, but sometimes it’s just because we’re working to be better.
Hope you all have a great weekend!